How To Be A Better Friend & Attract More Genuine Friendships

You are unrepeatable. There is a magic about you that is all your own.
–D.M. Dellinger

If you’re anything like me (and every other human being on the planet) odds are you have gone through a period where you felt like the opposite of magic, times where you felt very unlikable, lonely, or just like you didn’t fit in. If you’re currently experiencing this, it’s likely you’re trying to make friends by doing what many of your ancestors have tried to do before you; conforming. Maybe you’re changing up what you wear to school to blend with a certain crowd, switching up the music you listen to, or other little actions that may bring you closer to having people’s approval, but actually take you farther away from acceptance. Now, I’m not saying trying new things is bad, but trying on too many different hats all at once can sometimes make you forget what type of hats you liked in the first place!

Before you try to chameleon your way into friendships, consider these two actions that will actually help you gain friends without totally changing who you are:

1. Put more of the focus on them than yourself!

• If we stop focusing so much on ourselves and become more interested in others, it makes us automatically more likable! Not to mention, it can help us relax and feel less nervous when talking to people. I’m typically an outgoing person, but there have been PLENTY of times I’ve felt nervous or anxious entering a conversation with someone or a group of people I wasn’t familiar with… This trick of asking them questions, rather than letting them put you in the spotlight or waiting to tell them interesting things about you, can SIGNIFICANTLY reduce social anxiety, and it makes you more likable all in one!

• People love talking about themselves! No, really, science can back this one up. Five different studies about self-disclosure (telling others about yourself) led to an increase in activity in dopamine regions of the brain specifically correlated with reward. This is the same part of the brain that fires up when people use addicting substances, or engage in other temporarily “rewarding” behavior that can be bad for you in an excess. What this means is that people LITERALLY get high off of talking about themselves!

• While you’re asking your questions, its important to remember to genuinely listen. If you’re just straight shooting one question after the other, the person you’re talking to may actually feel attacked, which will make them avoid you. I knew a person who was SO good at asking questions that it made me realize how important that was in forming relationships, but overtime I started to leave conversations with this person feeling less heard and more anxious because the questions they were asking weren’t relevant to my responses, and they felt too quick to be authentic. It’s GOOD to ask questions, but make sure you’re genuinely listening so you know when to (drum roll please) SHARE

2. Share!

• Sharing is necessary in being more “likeable” and generally more accepted by others. Megan Marshman, a public speaker and former youth group leader, couldn’t have said it anymore beautifully when she said, “If people don’t know you, they will not know how to love you.” Think about it, if we never share our hurts, fears, triumphs, and accomplishments with others how the heck are they going to show us that they care! We’ll end up always feeling like we’re unlikable because we haven’t given anyone the opportunity to be there for us. This amazing little gem that leads to genuine human connection has always been a hard one for me, being there for others comes much more naturally and sharing my needs and feelings just doesn’t. Watch the full talk Megan gave (starting at 19:00 minutes in) to hear real life examples of what happens when teens start sharing with each other, instead of comparing.

• Be willing to open up about about your own flaws! Have you ever been in a situation where someone admits something to a group of people and everyone else acts like that’s never happened to them before? OR is that just my experience? What happens is, when people share something personal that we relate to we immediately feel understood and connected to them, but then BAM! being seen leads to feeling vulnerable. Be the person who can relate. It’s not always easy, but it’s a skill that can come more naturally with practice. For example, I’ve had clients of mine fart in session and I’ve even had clients let out a loud fart (unintentionally) while I was running a group for teens! Rather than ignore it, or start laughing, we talk about it! I tell them about one time when I fell asleep on the couch at a friends house while the family was in and out and I WOKE MYSELF UP because I farted so loud in my sleep. Yes, I’m aware this is an embarrassing story, but did it make you like me just a little bit more?

• The answer to that last question is probably a yes, given the Pratfall Effect,  which states that everyday blunders can make a person more likable, but there’s things to consider with this one… If I were to just walk up to you on the street and talk to you about my embarrassing fart story, you might be weirded out more so than anything. Having something embarrassing happen to you and letting people see your flaws can make you a person more likable ONLY if you have already proven to be superior at something. For example, my clients are coming to me to help them with their anxiety, so they are likely thinking of me as a person who knows a lot about a topic they want to learn about, too! This makes my self-disclosure more of a bonding moment, rather than making them dislike me. The takeaway here, sharing our blunders with someone once a connection has been made makes us more human, which makes us more relatable, which makes us more likable!

I’ll leave you with this. Megan Marshman said, “You could be in a room full of thousands of people and still feel alone so long as you think you’re the only one who has the thoughts you have.”

Comment below or email me if you have any questions or comments! I’d love to hear from you!

Be well.