Get Your Child To Listen To You The First Time (Part 1: Confidence)

Let’s be real, parenting doesn’t always look as glorious as the above photo portrays. There’s a lot more yelling on your part, a lot more defiance on their part, and more times you probably want to pull your hair out than you’d like to admit. You find yourself thinking, or saying, “WHY AREN’T YOU LISTENING TO ME!” more often than you can count (and if you’re reading this without any of it resonating with you, please, comment below your secret!)

What makes YOU more likely to listen to someone?

Well, I may not have a secret to automatically get your kid to listen to every demand and request you make; I do know what will make it more likely they’ll listen in the future! Let’s think for a second, as an adult, what makes YOU more likely to listen to someone? You need to TRUST them. We wouldn’t be very inclined to listen to someone we don’t trust, even if it’s your boss, or your parent. Additionally, we tend not to listen to or believe others when we don’t feel very CONFIDENT in ourselves. For example, if you’re getting ready for a night out and your partner tells you how great you look, if YOU don’t somewhat agree and feel confident in what you’re wearing/how you look, you likely will dismiss their compliment.

To get your child to listen to you the first time we must A) build their confidence in themselves, and B) build their trust in us. When your child feels enough control and power in their daily routine, then they are going to be more amicable and willing to listen to you. If your child feels secure and knows what to expect from you, they’re just naturally going to be more at ease!

Below are a couple tweaks you can make today that will have your child feeling more confident and listen to you the FIRST time:

Confidence Building:

“Do you want to (insert task you want them to complete) or do you want me to?”

• This one WORKS. Imagine you’re getting ready to go to the pool and your child is fussing about putting their swimsuit on. Rather than saying, “put your swimsuit on or we’re not going to the pool” because that’s ALSO a punishment for YOU! You can say, “Do you want to put your swimsuit on, or do you want me to help you?” 
• This builds your child’s confidence because you’re not just telling them what to do, you’re giving them options and letting them know that you have confidence in their ability to do it on their own! 9 times out of 10 when I use this verbal trick in session, the child doesn’t just complete the task I ask, they are ENTHUSIASTIC about it and more likely to listen to follow up requests or information. 

“Wow, you know how to (insert action they’re doing that you may already know how to do)! Can you teach me?”

• I use this one ALL the time. When I see my younger clients tying their shoe, or zippering their jacket, ANYTHING! If session is over and they’re lolly gagging to get out the door, I might say *in a light and joking tone* something like, “Hmm.. it looks like it’s time to put your shoes on. I bet you can’t put your shoes on by yourself.. are you sure you don’t need my help??” and the whole time they’re completing the act I’m giving them praise and reinforcement. 
• When you let a child teach you something it builds their confidence in themselves and their competence over the action. They’ll be more likely to put their shoes on quickly the next time they leave session and look to me for the same praise/reinforcement. It also makes the child more likely to listen to me when I ask them to do something or try to teach them something because it feels like a more equal exchange of power, rather than repeating the same cycle of me being the helper/superior, and them being the helpless/inferior. We wouldn’t want to listen to someone who made us feel dumb, either! 

In a follow up post, we will talk about how to build your child’s TRUST in you so they’ll listen to you the first time. Increasing their confidence in themselves is the first step to getting them to listen to you because it will decrease power struggles. If your child feels competent and confident in other areas, they won’t be trying to prove it every chance they get. Read that as many times as you need. 

Comment below and let us know what tweak you used and how it worked for you! Remember, I said 9 times out of 10 these tweaks work. Consistency is key.

 

Be well.