What is indirect communication, and what does it look like?
Indirect communication is a way of suggesting or hinting at what one really wants or needs via body language, tone of voice, and/or gestures. This form of communication can lead to feeling misunderstood and unappreciated in any relationship, and the negative effects are experienced both by the person being indirect and the person on the receiving end of it.
Pretend someone were to ask you to help them move out of their apartment this weekend, and, understandably so, you didn’t really want to spend your weekend helping someone else move.Well, if you’re communicating indirectly you might take a long pause before answering in the hopes that the person would “get the hint” and avoid answering the question. Another modern example of indirect communication would be “ghosting” someone after a date. Ghosting is when a person just stops responding and engaging with another person on social media, text message, and any other form of communication in the hopes of ending the relationship for the time being.
Indirect Communication Leads to Mind Reading
This type of communication wreaks havoc on relationships because when someone is being indirect they are both making assumptions about what the other is really thinking, wanting, and needing. This is a cognitive distortion, or thinking error, called ‘mind reading.’ Dr. Aaron Beck defines mind reading as jumping to conclusions, an inaccurate belief that we know what the other person is thinking.
For example, I’ve realized in my relationships whenever I make a suggestion and hear the word “sure” in response to it, I automatically think the person doesn’t want to do it. I make the assumption that “sure” really means, “I don’t want to, but if you want to I guess I will.” I expect that the other person is being indirect and what I’m actually doing is mind reading.
Mind reading opens the floodgates for more indirect communication to follow. The example used in my video is of a couple on a road trip. The wife is hungry, but instead of saying she wants to the husband to get off at the next exit she asks if he is hungry to which he replies, “nope,” so they keep on driving. Now the wife’s hunger turns to hanger and she is OVER the fun of the road trip. She’s rolling her eyes at him every time he belts out a tune, changing the radio station in the middle of songs she knows he loves, and spends her time looking out the window rather than engaging with him. She is indirectly letting him know she’s upset with him, but because he had no idea that she was hungry he will likely do some mind reading. He’ll start making assumptions about why she’s upset that won’t be accurate, he’ll be planning his defense strategy just incase she decides to bring it up, and the longer the couple does this dance the more misunderstood they’ll both feel.
Why do we do this?!
So, WHY do we communicate indirectly? We do this as a means of avoiding conflict or saving face. If someone feels that stating their want or need might be off putting to the other person, they will do it in an indirect way to avoid conflict. It is also likely used by a more passive communicator who tends to prioritize the wants and needs of others. This is taught at a really early age, whether your parents communicated indirectly so you learned the same habits, or maybe you expressed a need to a friend or teacher and it was shut down. You may have learned that being agreeable and not having too many needs helps you avoid conflict and get along well with others, but this destroys relationships. As Dr. Heitler says,
“With indirect communication, whatever was a problem today is likely to be a problem tomorrow, the next week, and still in five years.”
What is Direct Communication?
Direct communication involves telling others what you want and need while listening to their side, being open to feedback, and potentially making compromises. If we are communicating directly we are more likely to get our needs met, which is reinforcing our way of communicating and makes us more likely to be direct in the future. Dr. Heitler gives the following example of direct communication:
Mary and Greg are a married couple with two young children who are experiencing tension over the care-taking and house work. Mary wants to put the kids to bed, but is feeling overwhelmed by how dirty the kitchen is after dinner. She could let these feelings fester while she puts the kids to bed, only to come back downstairs to the mess after the kids are asleep. She could loudly clean the dishes, sighing with frustration in the hopes that her husband will get the hint. Or, she could be direct in communicating what she needs, which might play out as follows:
Mary: “I’m feeling overwhelmed by cleaning the kitchen and also putting the kids to bed each evening. How would you feel about taking on kitchen clean-up?”
Greg: “If it’s okay with you that I nap right after dinner, when I always feel so sleepy, I’d be glad to clean the kitchen after I wake up.”
Greg didn’t give into Mary’s demand right away, but they were both open to feedback and able to make a compromise that ultimately prevented an even bigger fight from happening!
How can we practice this?
- Start small. If we are trying to communicate directly with someone who is unable to meet our need, then we may use that as a reason to continue being indirect with others in the future. But, if we start small by being direct about something that doesn’t feel so vulnerable then we can feel out our audience’s ability to meet our needs AND build the confidence to be direct about bigger things.
- Pre-warn them. Direct communication doesn’t come naturally to everyone, so if you’re trying to be more straightforward with someone you can pre-warn them that you are going to ask for something you want/need and that you would really appreciate a positive response this time because it’s very hard for you. Remember, staying open to feedback and compromising is key.
- Practice assertive body language. If you’re asking for something, but not making eye contact and talking so softly that the other person can barely hear you, that’s still considered indirect communication. Try facing the person with your body, making gentle eye contact, and speaking clearly in order to ensure that you’re heard.
- Use an “I” Statement. Below is a helpful formula for communicating directly that allows you to identify your feelings and needs in a concise way that will help the other person to understand you. If this is new for you, I recommend practicing “I” statements by writing them out and getting clear about what you really feel and want prior to presenting it to the other person.
Resources:
https://www.instagram.com/evergreentherapyil/?hl=en
https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/psychpedia/indirect-communication
https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/psychpedia/direct-communication
https://positivepsychology.com/cognitive-distortions/
